Speed Over Quality: An Exploration of Female Loneliness
Speed dating along side AFCs and girls who are as bored by themselves as they are their prospects
I decided to explore a speed dating event. I signed up for it weeks before attending because it had been re-scheduled three times. My suspicion was that they didn’t have many women who wanted to attend. It was confirmed when I got there.
I arrived to our wine bar ten minutes early. Pockets of men and pockets of women totally separate populated the room. Middle schoolers at their first dance get more mingled that these bozos were. Unsuspecting couples and groups were there too, almost all elderly. Thankfully all the participants were between 25 and 40.
I sat down at a table and chatted with a girl. It was not her first time there. Two other women joined us just after arriving, they were heavier, dressed professionally, college friends who had just turned thirty. After I quickly opened they both retreated into each other. Retreating into their cellphones followed. Sporadically they made hushed conversation with each other, tilting their heads inwards. One began to hold the pendant of her gold necklace like a life one might to a life raft. The other wound a lock of hair around her finger. High anxiety would probably be an understatement.
The woman I spoke with was a veteran of these events. I pumped her for information, trying to interview but not too intensely. She told me that all the conversations start to sounds the same. That its repetitive. She had gotten matches but no one really excited her. I wondered how much she was capable of exciting other men, she had some obvious physical problems, and probably had trouble finding a man who was interested in leading her.
The organizer began the event with our instructions. The girls would all sit at their tables and the guys would move through the room, “like a snake!” Our host emphasized this last part, it would be the only part of her introduction that sounded enthusiastic. I found out latter she was an aspiring zoologist. “You each will have seven minuets together.” Deadpan.
In line with the other men I could feel the discontentment, AFCs. Attempting to chat with them didn’t go far. Even speaking with me petrified them. Conversation with the girls was going to be tough.
I positioned my self right after the cripple. Context has big impacts. He neither tried to say a word to me, even though I was next to him the whole night, nor any other man there. It must be hard for anyone with a disability to find love. Maybe this is why some disabled men fall in love with their caregivers. Steven Hawking did. The conversations with the girls were alright, they went well. Rather, I did well. Each one was different, I made sure of it, doing my best to infuse as much nuance and novelty into each one. Saliency is key. Many of them seemed nervous just like the first few. They must not get a lot of social engagement, maybe they put a lot of emphasis on dating.
Overall the girls were pretty boring. The girls needed the base level confidence to put themselves out there though. While not huge, it was something. No one impressed me. Some were fuckable though. That was the important part. Careers were a common shield the girls used, cowering behind them when confronted about their value beyond their bodies. Boredom was felt just as keenly experienced by them while they talked about themselves as me. Their posture sank when they talked about themselves.
I was bored why them but didn’t show it. Usually talking about improv will liven things up as a last resort but it has the negative consequence of making them think that I’m a standup comedian. So I try not to rely on it too much. Mild spikes are good. Boyish affect used facetiously is even better. These girls felt alive, forgetting their somewhat humiliating situation, when you land that right. Out of the “interview” mindset they became much more real.
Most didn’t seem to have a large circle of friends or have prioritized socializing, achievement, or health. I was a rung above the other guys because I wasn’t nervous, I conditioned my speed date partners to associate me with the feel good chemicals laugh and get turned on.
By the end of the night was I happy to see that I had matched with everyone that I had put down on my little score card as acceptable. Maybe they had put down everyone on their cards. But maybe they actually were more selective, women tend to be that way, I’m imagining even the ones that cast a low investment wide net like the girls at a speed dating event.
At the end of the day everyone is responsible for their own loneliness. Especially men but women are too. They have either made the deliberate choice watch “reality” TV, avoiding people, thus no longer expanding their circle (it’s either expanding or contracting, a social circle is never stable) or made the decision to let their self progression stagnate. Gaining weight is unattractive, loosing or having lost it is better, being healthy, and pushing for your own progress (physical or otherwise) is hot. Everyone no matter where they’re at would rather be with the gymnast than the soap opera critic, the masters student rather than the bank processor. No matter what they may tell themselves to be happy. People are either eating stake in the matrix or they’re unplugged. Grey areas are not very big here.
Updates on the interesting dates coming soon…